Ahhhh, balconies. What a wonderful place to unwind. Typically extended off the back of bedrooms and living rooms, the cantilevered verandah is home to various activities, such as wining, dining, stretching, sleeping or walking out in the nude, if you’re that way inclined (please see the first episode of INXS: Never Tear Us Apart, when Michael Hutchence walks onto the balcony of his Paris hotel starkers).
The beautiful thing about the humble balcony is that it comes in many shapes and sizes, and a multitude of possibilities. Some of these possibilities are restricted by various adversities, such as landlords, smooth brains and irritating neighbours, but we maintain the fact that balconies come with a range of different functions. We here at Architecture & Design have curated a range of balconies that may in fact inspire you to do things a certain way. By no means is this a style guide, just merely a sounding board for potential avenues you may want to walk down. So, without further ado, here’s five balconies that scream ‘won’t somebody please think of the children’.
1. Poolcony
First up, we want to point out that a lot of balconies are constructed due to a lack of amenity, like a backyard or a second toilet. In some instances, that can include a pool. But, fear no longer about not having a body of water in your apartment complex, because with a tarp, a few pegs and a hose, you’ve got a readymade pool. Now, let’s forget about the various tenancy violations and whether or not the balcony can actually hold that amount of weight, can someone tell me where the water ends up when it's time to pack it up? Does it sit there idle and turn into a ‘swamp-cony’ with all the bells and whistles that come with a swamp, like moss or an ogre? Is it dumped off the edge? Please ensure if you plan on turning your balcony into a pool that it has a sufficient drainage system. It’s at this point we should introduce one of our suppliers. Tell them we sent you.
2. Plantation station
We here at A&D tend to discuss the idea of biophilia and its various benefits in many of our articles, and quite frankly, it's true. People are innately connected to nature. It’s a fact. Just ask the owner of this balcony here, who cut half of the Amazon Rainforest out of north-west Brazil, managed to get it through customs and stuck it on the balcony. The benefits are immense. Carbon Dioxide has left the chat. Mosquitos, in their thousands, have probably entered. Regardless though, plants and balconies is a marriage akin to Romeo & Juliet, minus the final act.
3. DIY balcony
There is most certainly a group of people who like to construct things themselves. This can include a range of different things, like a wooden screen or a girlfriend. In this instance, and for the purpose of this article, people who enjoy constructing various objects may well turn their attention to constructing a balcony. Looking at this one, the craftsmanship is second to none, and the design brief would’ve been something along the lines of “just f**k it up”, to which the builder has followed to a T. The green-tinged structural pieces contrast beautifully with the wooden panels to create a visual of unbelievable proportions, that has to be seen to truly be believed. We’d also like to point out the spelling of anarchy, spelt ‘ANARHY’, at the bottom left of the picture. We’re assuming whoever put this balcony together probably sprayed that onto the wall.
4. Defensive stronghold
Australia is, for the most part, a peaceful nation. One day though, courage will come to call, and it is important that we are ready for anything. By anything I mean an attack on the freedoms we hold dear, which could include the big cats that live in the Blue Mountains or Pauline Hanson. It is at this point I believe that we should be using the humble balcony as a place of defensive fortitude, similar to the one pictured above. John Howard has made it considerably hard to purchase a machine gun, but in order for us to truly protect our nation, we must be able to mount a machine gun turret on our balconies, as per the NRA’s balcony recommendations.
5. Solarcony
Solar power is the future. It accounts for ten percent of our energy production and with a range of rebates and the ability to make money by installing a Photovoltaic System (pV) onto the roof of your house. But what if I told you that these systems don’t have to just be installed on the roof? Behold, the balcony. While I’m unsure what the inside of the house looks like, I can assume it’s walls are solid gold, due to the amount of dough that would be rolling in due to the installation of these panels. That satellite dish is probably a Foxtel satellite that has a paperclip in the back of it to ensure that all the fights on Main Event are completely cost-free and illegal. Like I said, solar power on balcony = stack of cash. Invest today.
Image credits are as follows:
1. Reddit
2. denysvinson.com
3. gushiciku.com
4. Imgur
5. Reddit
